Life and Love and Why

it’s Friday afternoon and i’ve just had a good cry… not a cry like the “i’ve slammed my thumb in the door” or the “i’ve gotten the pots stuck in the drawer under the stove” kind of cry (though that drawer is pretty well jammed)… it was more of a gut wrenching cry… a sense of impending anguish that will exceed even the current levels of emotional distress… as hard as that is to imagine as i sit here, puffy eyes and stained cheeks… it’s been going on for weeks… and still, it manages to escalate daily… as if i were in a kayak ready to split in two as i try to navigate the rapids… and the waves beat furiously from every side… and i can’t see the rocks ahead to avoid them… and the water is going faster… and faster… and… i’m soaked… i’m shivering… i’m frightened… the understanding of my insufficiencies is heightened… and i know up in the distance… there’s more… and we haven’t even gotten to the waterfall yet…

questioning, i find myself wrestling with someone far more powerful… and yet i feel that if i stay close enough… hold fast enough… there will i find strength… there will i be safe… but i also know that i’ll never be the same again… i’ll carry the scars from this struggle the rest of my days… in ways, my eyes may never recognize alone…

it’s monday… and i’ve made it through the weekend… my mother in law has made it through, too… she went on hospice last week… and it seems that she’s resolved to move on… there’s little fight left in her… there’s little life left in her… she’s nearly in a vegetative state at this point… her words come slowly, if at all… she doesn’t respond to much… she doesn’t likely have long… she’s depressed… she’s in pain… she’s tired… and it’s anything but easy… i am comforter, counselor, friend, etc… and i hurt knowing how much it’s hurting others… and i have my own hurts… but they don’t matter as much…

so many questions and observations have arisen in the last few weeks… about life, why we fight so hard to stay here… what lies beyond… what could’ve been… how we should respond… how we should proceed… how things will be different… how things would be different if it were our shoes… so many questions… and the answers don’t come quickly… the answers aren’t easy to swallow… and logic isn’t easy to follow… because we’re hurt… we’re tired… and it’s anything but easy…

God will see us through it… this we know… though, i wonder about the lost… and how they continue…

traveling tunes…

Switchfoot – The Legend of Chin
Superchic[k] – Beauty From Pain
John Coltrane – Blue Train
Jars of Clay – Redemption Songs

the road ahead…

peace… love… bdg…