11 September 2001

honestly i have no idea what to say and yet as i writer i have so much to say. this all seems so unreal and yet at the same time is is so hauntingly, chillingly real. Knowing that i have nothing to truly fear, i still fear. i cannot believe this, yet i know it to be true. i feel the evil, the thick black hand gripping this event. i have felt this level of evil before and recognize the tone. my mind screams nothing good will come of this and at the same time i know that God will work ALL things for the good of His will. it’s at times like these i realize how little i know of important things. How little i’ve done. all my accomplishments, all my possessions, all my goals are merely temporal. i realize how little i have actually read of the Bible and how much i skimmed or skipped over. i can’t help but realize that i have blown it in so many aspects of my life. i am overcome by helplessness when i should be bolstered by the strength i know exists for my benefit. i know God cares for me and loves me and will keep me as His own. and i can’t help but feel as though i have let Him down. I have spent so much time exploring for new talents that i have neglected the ones i knew of. i have stretched my resources to a point where i have become a mediocre vessel. my only prayer is for God’s direction and guidance as i devote all i have left solely to Him. i am so worn down that i know i need rest and at the same time i have so much to make up for . . .

12 September 2001

a cup is placed before me
evil boils within it
i know that i must drink it
Your will and not my own.

father this anxiety is crushing me
i am not strong enough
i pray you stay with me
i cannot make it alone.

this cup before me i cannot drink
fear shakes my inner being
i tremble at the very thought of it
i feel my body and soul bleed.

father take this cup from me
i am unworthy of this divine task
i recognize your sovereign will
i realize the need.

i grasp this cup before me
these fingers that have sinned much
are strengthened by your might
i feel your power.

father take this cup from me
i beg you let it pass
father i pray your will be done
strengthen me this hour.

taken from my pre-blog blog:

peace… love… bdg…